Timeisahealer on January 1, 2016 at 1:07pm01 Time is 9 weeks. (Maybe that was my first problem now thinking of it…. After recently being “discarded” and scouring the internet for some sort of identification of the behavior my ex has been presenting, I FINALLY found this site yesterday. Healing sucks. But not without the pain of him turning my daughter, sister and brother against me by lying to them. It’s really rather simple. He would only go so far until he threw those delicious breadcrumbs at my feet. Perhaps a co-worker, someone they met at an AA meeting, or even an ex. Mine said, “basically I’m not happy, and I want to leave”. julie says: January 11, 2019 at 12:27 pm. September 2017 is his parole hearing. That is crazy behavior and that is the kind of thing that a narcissist does, that crazy, … The answer may surprise.. He blew me off which was fine. I was hell bent on proving that this one was truly a genuine guy. …which is the same as everyone else’s who has been thrown out like yesterday’s meatloaf. In your mind, everything was going along swimmingly when out of nowhere, the narcissist became disenchanted with the relationship. Everything he had given me he either broke or took away. Check out my new blog Beyond Narcissism…And Getting Happier All the Time! It was the constant problem in our relationship and he hated when I “accused” him of the truth. So, they move onto the next person they can suck on. I wonder if my ex-narcissist is triangulating when he’s now on his third female in our office. IMPORTANT!! It’s empowering, especially if one is already emotionally detached. your story matches my recent experience to the letter! My narc discarded me 6 months ago because she said I was cheap and didn't like to spend money which in fact I wined and dined her very well..so she left saying nice knowing you and have a good life then blocked me on everything. Because we had joint accounts and he’s too lazy to change them, the bank still emails me the notices for those. It was a test. Now 15 months no contact, as of Thursday of this week (June 14), I left, moved my stuff into my own condo, with my dogs and, other than a “sighting” of the Nex in a local stripmall I frequent, in November of 2017, I haven’t had any contact with him. “It was the next day when we’d always find the other Frank [Sinatra], the one who wouldn’t speak to the girl, who had been the most beautiful woman in the world the night before. manipulation to get you to happily live in their basement forever. And we fall for it…despite all the disastrous hoovering stints, the bait-and-switch games, and the failed attempts we’ve made at being a savior. Leaving was the most painful thing I had ever been through, but now, 18 months later, I see it as a gift. My family has moved to the west coast, and I am on the east coast for school. Published on PsychCentral.com. Another red flag. I am healthy, happy, whole and loving my new life. This is a Great read. Well he said i didn’t need a job, that he would take care if me and i could live with him. Hours later today, he’s now playing the block game of facebook. Alienated from friends and family, left with CPTSD, you may also have anxiety and health problems, your energy levels may have been drained, you’ve lost who you are, your self-worth, self-love, trust, money, homes and so much more, the narcissist discard can be … I am i hell now. I have never been more alone than I have being in this relationship. I was left with crippling in my body and fibromyalgia which progressed over the next 5 months. What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder? For fourteen months, they didn’t give a shit. So much so that it often destroys lives, literally. Now they’re accusing me of creating fake Instagram accounts and hitting on them (obviously someone has done that)! I like to think that in some corner of their souls, narcissists can love. Even after discard, having the narcissist in their midset inhibits the victim from getting on with their healing journey. In the context of a relationship, it is the ultimate form of degradation. Our narcissist gives all of that to us…for a while. But, don’t be fooled by appearances. If you cross them, they never want you to have a day of happiness without them. At least I know that my money is safe! When the narcissist decides it’s time to discard you, nothing is sacred. he would withhold sex and once when I became ill he wouldn’t even talk to me or ask if I was ok. I appreciate the help you have given. Your relationship established quicker than ever before, but you are enjoying the experience, so far. He was a nightmare patient, he would moan and make these obnoxious noises it was almost to the point i wanted to slap him but i didn’t. He has plenty of money, travels, has lots of man toys and friends. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I have been lacking the knowledge all these years. No one even bothered to come check on me!!! But it can’t last, y’know. He still tried to control me and the views of my friends and family towards me. Once they catch us, mark us as a complete forward pass on their scorecard, get what they need, next comes The Great Discard aka de-valuing. How Do You Actually Know If a Narcissist Is Finished With You? I have felt very empty after this situation. I thought I would never be able to drive again. March 2018 my husband and I moved to a small town in Southern Texas for his work. There is no way to know for sure. Loving people. He flaunts his party life on social media. When it finally hit me that all the red flags were just that, red flags was one evening I had gone to spend the night at his house. I am a struggling single mom. Block you for hurting you and wonder why you are upset and continues to live his day content with his new supply by his side. Anyone who knows anything about the phases of a relationship with a narcissistic individual understands, all too well, the dreaded “Discard” stage and the possible reasons why a narcissist leaves you. A break-up with a malignant narcissist … Reading your post ripped out my heart. No response to any messages. In your opinion or in your experience how long does is it on average that his true self begins to emerge, just curious. I had to take uber home twice because he was that nasty. He has blocked me many times before when he had dumped me in the past (he usually breaks up with me every 4 months or so). I got a message yesterday that I needed to take over the insurance or he was going to have it towed immediately. Well he got in a really bad motorcycle accident and asked me if i would quit my job and come take care of him. we built a small RV Park so she could generate a small income and that’s where my story begins…… He was friends with the neighbors who I came to know thru my job renting RV sites and one afternoon he asked if I had any openings. 4 – By the time the discard happens, the narcissist has typically already groomed new supply. You’re a narcissist.” The debate rages on if, how and when you should tell a narcissist that they’re a narcissist. Need approval, because we’re incapable of self-approval. One time I actually thought there was hope. God it was amazing! The Truth Behind Most Discards and Why a Narcissist Leaves You. It was October and one long weekend I went home to see him (I live an hour away at school). I was going to go to the hospital but he had hidden my car keys. After thinking about it I’m wondering if I just need to move for my safety & well-being. Such a great article. I was praying to God one night asking Him why I knew His love but at times I treated Him as a liar? The more he blew cold, the more I chased and the more he was winning at his game. I know how he is and I want no part with him!!! Sites about why is he hot and cold, why does he act like he cares yet one day, gives zero fucks. Long story short, I was fed up with the fact he is 26, no degree and still living at home while somehow finding complaints of his exhausting life. He threw in that he wants me in his life because “believe it or not” he cares for me. You are good and then you … I hope you have, indeed, continued to heal since leaving this comment and that you are still focusing on yourself instead of the dysfunction. Because the narcissist cannot subsist without supply, when they determine your utility is done & dusted, they make the conscious decision to discard you. Maybe you caught them cheating. I told him what was the worse was that he had been going around telling everyone he was single. When you’re with a narcissist, you’re typically in limbo where either you leave and then they draw you back in once again, or they give you a silent treatment or discard you, leaving you baffled over what has just taken place. And that is how the game is played by narcissists, m’friends. He promised a marriage and after 3 years, admitted that he would never marry again. He dotes on us as much as we dote on him…. he would stop my car in the middle of the road because I said something he didn’t like and get out and take the keys. They fought outside, she knew someone was there other than him, she got crazy and he called the police. Long story short we had a long distance relationship for about 1 yr. We talked about me moving back to So Cal but I wasn’t going to move until I had a job and a place of my own to live. The zero-care factor is reflected in sloppiness of their concealment efforts when discard is nigh. They tell us, “I adore you. Want to hear the funny part? It’s excruciating particularly because he’s viewed as some kind of God by our managers. In my case, I used it as a litmus test. To discard is to get rid of something that is useless and unwanted. Though I specifically said ‘I have acknowledged your feelings over and over for a month, making excuses and feeling bad for you but all you did was lie.” He had an answer for every lie and FINALLY said “Im seeing someone” after I had to point out his behavior a bunch of times. What Are My Cyclothymia Treatment Options? Since talking to this new girl (for only a month now) He has been dropping hundreds of dollars, on hotel rooms, sporting events… Everything we did as a couple when we first started out… Just WAY faster. Antipsychotics have many side effects, one of the most common being drowsiness. my husband and I were struggling and separating-seperated when it finally happened the first time. I called to check up on Thanksgiving. He was telling me I was alright and to get up! Worship. If you are dealing with this type of narcissists avoiding them at the same time being nice will make them discard you politely.On the other hand there is a type of narcissists who will not leave you alone no matter how you show them that you don’t want them. It’s hard especially if you have children. The next thing I was aware of he was pulling my right arm frantically!!! I need to change my deadbolt and my locks, put my ladder outside my house in my locked shed along with other items in my yard that can be used against me! He said all I needed to do was ask him and he would have moved. It’s important to recognize that while many people have times when they need to retreat to think about things, someone who cares about you will never use this abusive tactic to punish you. A simple comment such as, “Whew, I can’t seem to get caught up with house cleaning, I think I’ll look into hiring someone a couple times a month” is interpreted by the narcissist as, “You’re a lazy good-for-nothing who never helps” (even if your comment was innocent, they know they’re a lazy good-for-nothing who never helps and took your comment as a direct verbal attack). Don’t be like this, we can still have fun together.” He then goes and CALLS my phone. I encourage anyone out there who is in one of these twisted, sick relationships to find a way OUT soon. Though I specifically said ‘I have acknowledged your feelings over and over for a month, making excuses and feeling bad for you but all you did was lie.” He had an answer for every lie and FINALLY said “Im seeing someone”. I look forward to the emails and online sessions. At this time I lived in nor Cal and he lived in So Cal where we both grew up. I have had two and a half months of no contact, after a really nasty discard between Christmas/New Year 2018 & after 3 decades with the narc in my life and had gone back & forth about 6-7 times, as noted by some others. Get a good therapist and get to work on healing. That’s the big “valuing.” The worm narcissists dangle before our needy eyes. Theirs may be a twisted logic, but it’s not impossible to follow. Well, you can bet I sure didn’t hear from him. We played a role. Let me do what I want to do.” Fine, of course, I went there and tried to bust down the door like I don’t know any better. He split town twice and the probation ended up prison time. The Great Discard might be triggered by the narcissist finding someone else to seduce to feed their ego. He has moved in with his pregnant 24 year old girlfriend (he is 40) which I am … I sucked up my pride and because it was the right thing to do i took care of him nursed him through treatments and made sure he got his meds. no reason why, he’s telling all of our acquaintances that he can’t stand me and wants nothing to do with me ever again and has gone silent. This was somewhere between noon and 2pm. We had a purpose. It will never be. Everything was great for a year before he start to be distant and disrespectful. They said they adored us. Tip – There is nothing more empowering to an injured narcissist than to have two people vying for their affections. He and his wife were splitting up and he needed a place to stay. For your own well-being, I would suggest letting it go and figuring out how you will heal from this relationship and so you can move forward. One last time I told myself. Mr. Covert was assertive enough yet through in random hot and cold behaviors just to make sure I was always on my toes. He has been blowing my phone up to reach me. I know that he has made many different moves trying to get me to blow up his phone and/or unblock him. I live on a mountain in a pine forest with dirt roads in a little 3 room cabin. Must’ve been excruciatingly painful for them, triggering full-scale narcissistic collapse. Do narcissists discard their children? I quickly ended the phone conversation and said “talk to you when I talk to you”. I am so hurt by this I can hardly breath sometimes. This cycle confirms the narcissist’s distorted … Well I finally dropped him off, we kissed, and made it to my flight somehow. She said she is purposely pushing me out for my own good. Then it was my Birthday and I figured we’ve known each other for so long and have been spending time together, he’ll at least say Happy Birthday. I love you to the moon and back.” Give us jewelry, flowers, candlelit dinners. How to Deal with the Silent Treatment and Gain the Upper Hand - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, 7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, Free Training – 7 Proven Strategies to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse, My top resources for narcissistic abuse recovery, Strategies to overpower your addiction to the narcissist. We heard them say it of their own free will, over and over again. Do you think it’s permenate or should I be prepared? That lasted 2 sessions. I am just so happy and at peace to be free. Why were you so easily discarded? My ex, after answering that question, even said to me as I was sobbing through a disagreement about attorneys, “come on, cheer up, we need to stay friends so I can still date you.” NEVER! His is of no interest to me. The main symptoms of bipolar disorders are mood shifts between high energy, known as mania or hypomania, and low mood, or depression. I’ve let him know I now know what he is as well so im sure that has something to do with the hatred thing too. His friends and family have not answered me so I stopped even trying after Thanksgiving. I went to our home town the next day with my tail between my legs. im ok thank God and I feel so much better now that ive told my story so thank you again for the ear and posting your story too. His excuse was being busy at work to the point that he cancelled our trips (yes, I had paid for tickets/hotels everything) and went on silent treatment while I was desperately trying to figure out what the heck I had done wrong.. Like he didn’t want other women to see he was in a relationship. It got nastier everyday I was there packing my stuff . The carrot they stick under our twitchy, hungry codependent noses. I see photos of him and his ‘new love”, she looks so happy and “glowing” and all I see is myself. I live in the Rocky mountains in a little rural mountain community. He had gotten violent several times in the past and broke only my things and would say it was my fault that he put his hands on me. Thank you! Well 3 days later, and he broke up with me. During this interaction he told me Amy if anyone ever attacks your head they are trying to murder you! I’m baaaaccckkk! One day her Golden Child brother would speak to her. I knew different but I would second guess myself. For the past few months, I have chosen a higher road – the road to ACTUAL recovery. I have always left the narcissistic abusers only to find myself in another narcissistic abusing relationship. The answer depends on three factors, and it also depends on the type of narcissist the person is. She is actually a therapist. Within 3 weeks of me moving out (after almost 8 years of marriage), she was in. He does/buys whatever he wants. He did not once acknowledge my feelings nor apologize. You became “damaged goods”, completely unredeemable in their eyes. Narcissists always choose sweet, warm, caring people. Narcissistic relationships are addictive. Mean while he is having issues with his mouth and eventually, 2 yrs later in July of 2019 he was diagnosed with throat cancer from HPV. Some narcissists have high self-respect. He moves his storage here all the while im walking on eggshells and anxiety ridden to the core. So, she went over as he requested to his house. The other alternative is that they don’t want you to spend money on a cleaning person, they want you to continue doing all the work so they can spend that money on themselves – and they want you to keep quiet about it. A 4 letter word that has taken over my life. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do he still finds a way, calling on a blocked number, internet text messages. When you discard a narc they act like they discarded you. And she spent like almost a year in jail. I finally told him I was gonna leave if he didn’t take care of it so he answered it the next time it rang. The Nex is so lazy, he didn’t even bother discarding me. I had gone to counseling and ge paid for it because he expected them to tell me it was all me and my fault. See, abusive relationships with a narcissist rely on an idealization-devaluation-discard cycle which enables the narcissist to degrade their victims and discard their victims without any accountability whatsoever. For someone who’s deeply in love with the narcissist by this point, the discard can feel utterly devastating. Rather, I left it incumbent on them to request the reason. 1 – Most discards are the beginning of the triangulation phase. And guess what, he bit. So I would give up. We continued on our weekend hangouts as we had for years. I would die for you. One night out of the blue he starts an argument over nothing and tells me he’s leaving to go to his house for some space. In some cases, the narcissist likes to “keep tabs” on their “defective victims”. Intimate and all. I walked 5 miles back to his house where I was staying. I would have to leave work or call in because he was scared and when i got home he said he felt much better. So happy to know I’m helping you in your journey. The conversation was finished. Later, I sent passive aggressive texts and he was actually responding! What should I do? Lynda G. All of this happened to me exactly as it is described in this article! To have all the answers for him. He makes himself into whomever his current interest needs him to be. I also acted like it was no big deal by socializing with my friends, laughing, drinking and having a good time. When I finally heard from him, he acted like my anger was too absurd for the situation and it was totally a normal situation. I found myself visiting the same damn sites as I did with my last narc. 3 Obscure Steps to Free Yourself From Narcissistic Abuse, What a Narcissist Does at the End of a Relationship: When the End Isn’t The End, Narcissism Isn’t the Only Red Flag You Should Be Focused On, 3 Reasons to Stop Proving Yourself to the Narcissist, When Friends and Family Pull Away During Your Toxic Relationship. In doing this, the narcissist betrays their intent with signs they are getting ready to discard … After plowing through countless videos and books only to discover that many of the “experts” were ……dare I say (?) He always asked great details of my daily life and would purposely repeat details to me to make sure I knew that he was really listening. Whatever the cause, “Hell hath no fury…” as a narcissist “threatened” by an alternative version of reality than their warped version. Hoovers don’t only occur after a discard. I hung onto those brief “good” moments and ignored all of the garbage moments. With this last one, he took up smoking because she smokes despite having told me how disgusting it is. I got a beautiful anniversary gift and we went to a concert we both enjoyed.